Drive Away Dolls

I thought Madame Web was going to be my least favorite movie of the year and it didn’t even last a week at the bottom rung.

I’m skipping my usual Recommended Expectations for “Drive Away Dolls” because a pet peeve of mine is when people who clearly don’t like a genre review a genre film. In this case, one of my least favorite trends in film right now is talented filmmakers intentionally churning out B-movies. I have no problem with “Drive Away Dolls” being a goofy romp but it’s just not well made and revels in not being well made. It makes a film like “Bottoms” (which I really enjoyed and recommend checking out instead of “Drive Away Dolls”) look like high art. If I did Recxpectations for “Dolls”, it would be to expect a student film. It’s that shoddily put together. The editing seems like someone trying out every transition in the AVID and there are drug-induced interstitials that seem like someone trying to be weird as opposed to truly being off-kilter.

The Coen Brothers film it most closely resembled for me was “Burn After Reading”. My friend described that film as a long way to go for a simple punchline and “Dolls” felt the same. I’ve never checked my watch as much in a film, which is saying something as this one is only 84 minutes.

Anyway, the premise for the movie is: “In search of a fresh start, two women embark on an impromptu road trip to Tallahassee, Fla. However, things quickly go awry when they cross paths with a group of inept criminals along the way.” “Fresh start” is doing a lot of work there as the premise is pretty shoddy.

Four years ago, I saw an evening of one-act plays from Ethan Coen; it was a hit-or-miss show but the one thing was clear, Coen loves writing different dialects and, when he misses, it’s basically because he just likes to hear his own dialogue. In “Dolls”, every performance is stilted by design as the actors try to perform Coen’s unrealistic writing. It doesn’t help that all of the characters are one-dimensional. This is not a film concerned with depth.

In the end, I guess my main beef is that this is a film that both felt try-hard and lazy. It had tics more than it had style. It was showy but had nothing to show off. The fact that it got a fairly wide release just shows how bad the start of this year is and how the strikes limited what Hollywood has to offer right now.

Rexcpectations: Madame Web

Recxpectations are my Recommended Expectations for where people’s heads should be when they go to see a movie. I believe that having the right expectations is key to enjoying the filmgoing experience. Expect greatness, and a good movie might seem disappointing. Go in expecting nothing and a hokey film can be entertaining enough. I try to keep these expectations as objective as possible; this isn’t a review, it’s a heads-up.

DON’T EXPECT: a good movie
Now I’m sure some people will see this and say, “So much for being objective!” but again, this is about setting expectations. I'm sure there are some people out there who’ll enjoy the movie but I think EVERYONE will be best served if they walk into the theater expecting a lousy flick. I don’t think there will be many people who go in with high hopes and walk out saying, “Mission accomplished!” Set your expectations at the lowest possible level and the odds of you having fun will be increased.

EXPECT: a Final Destination sequel
To best enjoy this movie, don’t go in expecting something comparable to Spider-Man or The Marvels or even Morbius. This movie is more like a straight-to-DVD Final Destination cash-grab sequel. The one caveat to this is that you shouldn’t expect any scares. Midway through the film, I thought, “This could actually have been a pretty good horror movie,” but, alas, they didn’t go that route. Still, in terms of quality, “Madame Web” feels surprisingly low-budget. The villain spends a good chunk of the film in his fairly empty apartment. His “guy in the chair” is Zosia Mamet, who probably filmed for one day and never got out of said chair. The main characters spend an inordinate amount of time in isolation - first in a car, then in the woods, and then in a hotel room. The amount of bad ADR (dialogue replacement) is embarrassing. The score is so generic that it feels like they blew the music budget getting Brittany Spears’s “Toxic.”

EXPECT: an impossibly hacky script
My prediction is that Sony will eventually reveal that they had AI rewrite the script. I honestly don’t think a human being could put together a screenplay this formulaic and dopey. (And only a robot being trained by movies from the 80s could come up with the Pepsi product placement.)
And, again, “dopey” here is objective. You have to prepare yourself for a film that features everyone’s favorite expository classics such as our hero: talking to her TV, talking to a stray cat, reading out loud, and - my all-time favorite - an overheard voicemail from a phone that clearly doesn’t have the kind of answering machine that would play messages out loud while they were being left.
The amount of ADR in the film does seem to point fingers at execs meddling in post-production and making demands for additional on-the-nose dialogue (and if anyone in the filmmaking process could be replaced by AI, it’s the execs) but, again, you have to go in expecting a script on par with low-budget horror films - all the way down to the girls, who are being actively stalked by a killer, deciding to take a break to dance all sexy for some random fellas.

DON’T EXPECT: a range of emotions
The acting in this film is weirdly muted. Detachment is kind of Dakota Johnson’s character’s main trait so it makes a little sense for her but everyone in the film undersells the threat level and tension. If there’s a word to describe the emotion of the movie, it’s “nonplussed”.

DON’T EXPECT: tears from Dakota
There are a couple of times when Dakota Johnson needs to get emotional and, well, let’s just say that it doesn’t look like crying on cue is in her acting arsenal.

DON’T EXPECT: good CGI
I will give the editor credit for trying to cut around as much CGI as possible. I wish there would be more creative shooting and editing to limit how many effects shots are needed because it’s become painfully obvious that mainstream films as asking for more than they can competently handle.

DON’T EXPECT: the meme line from the trailer
After the trailer came out, a clunky line about how the bad guy “was in the Amazon with my mother before she died” went viral. I’m not sure if it was just a line recorded for the trailer or if the ridicule made the studio switch things up but the line does not actually appear in the film.

The NBA's Looming Questions: Part 1

With the trade deadline behind us and the home stretch coming up, let’s look at the main questions facing every NBA team. I’ll start with the bottom 11 teams, who should already be planning for next season.

DETROIT PISTONS - Is Troy Weaver in over his head?
The Pistons have acquired some young talent but that’s not saying much when you are GM for four years and have had the #1, #5, #5, and #7 picks. Still, to be fair, aside from the absolute whiff on Killian Hayes, Weaver’s done solid work on draft night. Beyond that? Not so much.
Troy has a fetish for disappointing big men, acquiring Jahlil Okafor, Marvin Bagley III, James Wiseman, and Nerlens Noel. He overplayed his hand when it came to Bojan Bogdanovic and came away with less for Bojan and Alec Burks than had been offered for Bojan alone last offseason. I like Quentin Grimes but he’s a 4th guard on this team and a replaceable piece. Speaking of replaceable players, Weaver inexplicably traded the 2024 2nd-round pick the Wizards owed them for Simone Fontecchio, a 28-year-old second-year player who’ll be a restricted free agent this offseason. Earlier in the year, Weaver had to use two 2nd-round picks to dump Bagley, the last soon-to-be RFA he traded for and then overpaid. (Let’s hope James Wiseman doesn’t make a contract-year push at the end of this season.)
Weaver somehow took over a team with a .303 win percentage and has done worse every year since.

Whether Weaver is going to stick around or not, the key to the end of this season is, Is there a team here or mismatched talent?
Jaden Ivey’s improved three-point shot could be a game-changer (although he’s oddly forgotten how to shoot free throws) but I still wonder if there’s a fit problem with Cade Cunningham. They kind of strike me as a poor man’s Jayson Tatum & Jaylen Brown. Just how poor remains to be seen. Jalen Duren is a beast and I swore he was shooting threes in the summer league so I feel like there’s room to grow with his perimeter shooting. Ausar Thompson is the extreme version of Matisse Thybulle - he’s more athletic than Matisse and is already a very good defender but his shot makes Thybulle look like vintage Klay Thompson. Isaiah “Beef Stew” Stewart can knock down the three but unless Cade gets better than 33%, it’s going to be tough to win in the modern NBA with Cade, Ausar, and Duren on the floor together.

Thankfully, it seems like these five youngsters are all healthy so we might finally get to see them play together for a stretch. That should give whoever is GM a chance to see if there’s hope here or if the talent doesn’t fit.

WASHINGTON WIZARDS - What are they doing?
Why didn’t the Wizards trade Tyus Jones and Delon Wright? They are free agents at the end of the year. Jones hasn’t had the breakout I was expecting and I can’t imagine he’s in the team’s future plans. At 31, Delon certainly isn’t.
Getting a first-round pick for Daniel Gafford was nice, at least.

The only reason to keep an eye on the Wizards is to see the maturation of Bilal Coulibaly, Deni Avdija, and Corey Kispert. (Former 10th pick Johnny Davis is anchored to the bench and struggled to make a dent when he was in the G-League.)
Jordan Poole is solidifying himself as J.R. Smith 2.0. Kyle Kuzma’s improved his trade value; I’d expect him to be traded this offseason.

Washington might want to consider a rebrand this offseason. The Wizards isn’t a great name, The jerseys are consistently forgettable. The team history as the Wizards has been pretty much a disaster.

SAN ANTONIO SPURS - Who fits around Wemby?
The Spurs never really had a chance at competing this season but they likely won’t ever compete until they find a true point guard. Tre Jones is a backup. Jeremy Sochan is an interesting talent but he’s not a floor general. The NBA Draft has some options in Nikola Topić and Isaiah Collier but the Spurs are still in a position where they just have to draft the best player available.

I understand that the tank is on but I’m a little surprised that the Spurs didn’t make a play for point guard at the deadline. I’m not expecting anyone great but with Devonte’ Graham and Cedi Osman’s expiring* deals out there, it feels like they could have brought in a live body. (Graham’s not expiring but his 12 million next year has only about 3 million guaranteed.) Perhaps the asking price for guys like Davion Mitchell was too high.

The end-of-the-season spotlights will be on Keldon Johnson and Devin Vassell. Keldon has plateaued a bit although I think he suffers the most from not having a true PG running the show. Vassell is good but I expected a bit more of a breakout this year and he just kind of is what he is and what he seems to be is a 4th starter. How these two close out the season might determine their long-term standing on the team.

CHARLOTTE HORNETS - Will they finally fire Mitch Kupchak?
Mitch didn’t have a bad trade deadline - he managed to get first-round picks for Terry Rozier and PJ Washington and also brought in Grant Williams, who I think isn’t as bad as he seemed in Dallas. He didn’t get much out of Gordon Hayward’s big expiring deal but at least he didn’t do something stupid with it.
Still, the Hornets are a mess of a franchise. Even worse, they will have some cap room this offseason, and the only people who are happy to see Mitch Kupchak with cap space are agents of middle-of-the-road talents. Mitch has consistently overpaid free agents from the infamous Timofey Mozgov signing, overpaying injury-prone, downside of their careers SFs in Gordon Hayward and Luol Deng. Terry Rozier actually played up to his contract (which seemed like an overpay at the time) but once he re-signed, it was almost immediately seen as a contract they wish they didn’t have. Remember the Tony Parker signing? No. Nobody does. Except for Tony’s agent, who laughed his way to a cool 400k percentage.

Mitch hasn’t exactly won the draft either. The Hornets are a Golden St. Warriors brain fart (taking James Wiseman over LeMelo Ball) away from being a complete mess. Mitch kicked off his campaign of error by swapping picks with the LA Clippers. Mitch ended up with Miles Bridges. The Clippers moved up to get Shai Gilgeous-Alexander. The next year, PJ Washington wasn’t a bad pick but the pick after was Tyler Herro. After the LaMelo gift in 2020 came the disastrous ‘21 draft of James Bouknight and Kai Jones, both of whom were waived before their rookie deals were up. In ‘22, the Hornets traded away the pick that was used on Jalen Duren. They did take, a few picks later, Mark Williams, who has been quite good when healthy. They have one more second-rounder from the Duren deal but the first-rounder they got in the deal turned out to be Nick Smith Jr.. I like Nick but he and a bunch of rando second-rounders don’t seem worth the #13 pick.

What might save Mitch’s job is taking Brandon Miller over Scoot Henderson. Miller has broken out of late and looks to be, at the very least, a professional scorer in this league. He’s been flashing a bit on defense so he could be a legit star.

The biggest question on the horizon for whomever is running the Hornets is - What to do with Miles Bridges? Bridges is no Shai but he’s a solid player in this league and can put up points with the best of them. His off-the-court baggage is beyond ugly but at this point, the Hornets are beyond worrying about PR points. They shouldn’t overpay Miles to keep him in Charlotte but they also can’t really afford to lose him for nothing.
The Hornets also need to find a defensive-minded guy to team with LaMelo in the backcourt but it seems like the NBA Draft might have a few options there for them.

PORTLAND TRAILBLAZERS - How good are their prospects?
This has been a lost season for Portland. Scoot Henderson arrived and wasn’t nearly as ready as promised. He’s showing some signs of life recently but there are still major questions about his ceiling. Shaedon Sharpe’s been banged up but he hasn’t had the breakout campaign that many had hoped for, and he might be done for the season. The idea that a change of scenery might awaken DeAndre Ayton was proven to be completely false. Ayton’s been his usual lackluster self on the floor and recent reports are that he’s been a complete nightmare in the locker room. The Time Lord Robert Williams only got six games in before he was lost for the season.

On the bright side, Anfernee Simons, Jerami Grant, and Malcolm Brogdon have all maintained or maybe even improved their trade value a bit. Jabari Walker and Toumani Camara seem like actual NBA players.

The Blazers seemed like they were toying with the idea that this could be more of a reload than a rebuild but after this season, it seems like they need to complete the teardown. Try to get picks and prospects for Grant and Brogdon. Hope they can find a taker for Ayton - maybe Troy Weaver will add him to his collection of disappointing bigs. I’d probably hold onto Simons since he’s still just 24 and, quite frankly, the jury is still out on Scoot and Sharpe. The Blazers have their own pick this year and the Warriors pick (top 4 protected) so they could add a couple more young talents to the roster, and then settle in for a year of growing pains as they await the Cooper Flagg sweepstakes.

But I think the lesson from this season is clear - things are going to need to get worse before they get better.

Memphis Grizzlies - WTF?
What a year for the Grizz. People often use the term injury plagued when discussing someone who gets hurt a lot but, in Memphis, it seems like there is an actual injury contagion in the locker room. The one good thing is that Memphis owns their pick in 2024 and the injury-ravaged team should get a top talent in the draft. Given that the draft is a crapshoot, Memphis might consider trading the pick for a veteran but I think they should probably keep it; the team is already in the luxury tax for next season and they need to get some cheap, cost-controlled talent to balance the books.

Toronto Raptors - Can they get a Top 6 pick?
In one of the most ill-advised trades of the decade, Masai Ujiri gave up a lightly protected first-round pick for Jakob Poetl. If their 2024 pick is 7th or later, it goes to the Spurs, and right now, the Raptors are 7th. The likely answer to this question is No. It’ll take a tank for the ages to get this talented squad to drop down to the depths of the Pistons, Wizards, Hornets, Spurs, Blazers, and Grizz.
Which leads to the question: What do we have here?
The core of this current team is Scottie Barnes and Immanuel Quickley and I actually love the way that they complement one another. And even though he’s probably not in the team’s long-term plans, I really like Bruce Brown’s fit with those two.
The wild card is R.J. Barrett. I’m not a believer but the best-case scenario for the Raptors is that he continues to play well and knock down threes at a near 40% clip to improve his confidence/trade value.
Elsewhere, Poetl isn’t worth the 7th pick but he’s a solid big man and a legit starter. Gradey Dick and newly-acquired Ochai Agbaji should get some minutes to show what they can do. I’m also interested in seeing Jontay Porter get a shot. He’s the brother of Denver’s Michael Porter Jr. and was a 5-star recruit but the kid just couldn’t stay healthy. But he might be skilled enough to stick in the NBA.

All of that being said, what Toronto seems to have is the pre-Jalen Brunson Knicks. They could surprise and win some games and make the playoff but it’s more likely that they’ll land around 11th place. However, Toronto is in line to have $40 million in cap space this year, so they might want to look at their team needs and try to figure out Who is their Jalen Brunson?

Brooklyn Nets - What’s the plan?
It seems like Brooklyn’s main goal is to be mediocre enough so that the picks they sent to Houston for James Harden (‘24 first, ‘25 swap, ‘26 first, ‘27 swap) don’t turn out to be the second coming of the Pierce/Garnett debacle. But, honestly, even mediocrity might be out of this team’s reach.
They’ve finally unleashed Cam Thomas and are letting him get buckets and hopefully, he can put up enough gaudy scoring numbers that teams will come calling for him this offseason. They should talk up staying in BK to free-agent-to-be Nic Claxton because they absolutely can’t afford to let him walk. Rookies Jalen Wilson and Noah Clowney should see more playing time as the season winds down so the Nets can see what they have to offer.
Once the offseason rolls around, every single player - including Mikal Bridges (who can walk after ‘26) - should be available. The Nets can’t bottom out but I feel like they may need a grand reshuffling to keep treading water in mediocrity.

Houston Rockets - Will Ime remain patient?
There were rumblings that Ime Udoka wanted to make a move at the deadline to bring in more veterans and that’s understandable. The Rockets are a very young team and Ime has never dealt with that in his coaching career. He’s always worked with teams that were fairly well-established or had established stars; this is his first time building from the ground up.
The second half of this season will be about the young guys maturing and continuing to improve on defense. (Ime can’t be thrilled that his team leader in blocks per game is… Fred VanVleet.) If Houston doesn’t see this team put together a little run in the second half, I wouldn’t be stunned if Ime pushes once again for more vets. And Houston has the assets to pull off a superstar deal. Not only do they have a lot of young talent, but they have Brooklyn’s draft picks from the Harden trade coming due. If the offseason falls apart on Daryl Morey, I wouldn’t be stunned if Houston made a legit run at Joel Embiid.

Atlanta Hawks - Is mediocrity inevitable?
No franchise has been as consistently mediocre as the Atlanta Hawks. Even when they’ve been really good they haven’t really felt like threats. Has there been a less imposing 60-win team than Atlanta’s Al Horford, Paul Millsap, Kyle Korver, and Jeff Teague?
But the real question for Atlanta is How do they clean up this roster?
Trae Young and Dejounte Murray haven’t worked together (ATL’s 54 - 57 when they both play) so Murray is likely gone this offseason.
They have a glut of guys who profile as 4th or 5th starters: Bogdan Bogdanovic, Saddiq Bey, DeAndre Hunter, Clint Capela, and Onyeka Okongwo. Jalen Johnson is showing upside but can Atlanta get him to the next level? And how much do they pay to retain Bey (an RFA this offseason) and Jalen (extension eligible with one year left on his rookie deal)?

Quinn Snyder can spend the rest of the season trying to salvage the Trae/Dejounte pairing and also getting his squad to play some defense. But moving forward, the team should start scouting potential 2nd star replacements for when they move Dejounte, and a 3 & D guard to pair with Trae. A true PF wouldn’t be so bad either.

Chicago Bulls - Is it time to tank?
Apparently, Bulls GM Arturas Karnisovas wants to re-sign DeMar DeRozan. My guess is that he’s hung up on What Might Have Been? from 2021-2 when the Bulls were 27 - 13 and first place in the Eastern Conference, only to have an injury to Lonzo Ball derail their entire season.
And he’s probably looking at the Denver Nuggets, who suffered through a lost season and a half when Jamal Murray and Michael Porter Jr. got hurt, but eventually won the title.
I’m just not seeing it. The Bulls don’t have Nikola Jokic. The Nuggets also had younger stars who were coming into their own. DeRozan will be 35 next season and Nikola Vucevic will be 34. Zach LaVine will be 29 and coming off yet another injury. Lonzo’s a complete question mark.
Honestly, the only argument for bringing everyone back is, “What else can we do?” LaVine’s trade value is nil right now and Vooch’s is only slightly better. Letting DeRozan walk doesn’t salvage their cap situation and they’d still be pretty close to capped out. The Bulls will likely get around the 11th pick - hardly a sure thing - so why not trade for a veteran to help get the current team over the hump?

Again, I’m just not seeing it. Chicago’s window with DeRozan and Vooch is a year or two, at best. LaVine was struggling before the injuries this year so he may be starting to head downhill. Unless a star trade comes out of nowhere, I’d think that blowing it up would be the best course of action for the Bulls. Sign-and-trade DeRozan, get something for Caruso, dump LaVine and Vooch, let Coby cook in ‘24-25, and save the first-round pick owed to the Spurs - Top 10 projected in ‘25, Top 8 in ‘26 & ‘27.

The bottom line is that the promise of the 2022 season is a What Might Have Been, not a What Could Still Be.

Steps to Maintain Sanity: Don't Feed the Trolls

Listen, I get it. We need to keep an eye on the political trolls because there are a significant amount of people who listen to and believe their BS. That being said, I don’t need people who share every stupid thing these trolls say. Even if that troll is one of the richest people in the world. I don’t need a social media feed filled with dozens of people dunking on the same stupid comment from someone who makes stupid comments in order to get attention.

Enough!

I’ve always just muted trolls but I feel like I might have to take it a step further and mute accounts that share stupidity from stupid people. I just don’t need it in my life and rarely if ever do those posts leave me laughing; usually, the joke isn’t funny enough to overcome the annoyance elicited by the stupid thing in the original post. What’s even worse is that sometimes the person trying to dunk on the troll makes a dumb joke or attacks the post in a way that opens themselves up for criticism so I just end up doubly annoyed. In fact, I’m getting annoyed just thinking about it and I’m not sure if what I’m typing even makes sense anymore.

StMS: Avoid Political Catchphrases/Slogan

I started this Steps to Maintain Sanity during my short foray into TikTok and I think I’ll bring it back because I believe it’s helpful advice and also, I need to remind myself that I don’t need to go down so many roads that lead to annoyance and frustration.

The first step is a big one: Avoid any conversations that hinge on political slogan and catchphrases. If someone’s arguing over “Woke”, “MAGA”, “DEI”, "BLM”, etc. It should be taken as a sign to just bow out of the convo.

What reminded me of this was Ava DuVernay’s film “Origin” based on Isabel Wilkerson’s book “Caste”. In the movie, there’s a line from Isabel (played by the amazing Aunjanue Ellis-Taylor), “We call everything racism. What does it even mean anymore? It's the default.”

That’s how I feel with most hot button phrases in politics. When we start using catchphrases, we’re basically using shorthand but it’s a shorthand that overwhelms the actual incident that was supposed to be discussed. It’s now commonplace for someone on the Right to screw up and when called out, they blame “Wokeness”. It’s a great way to shift the focus away from what they actually did and onto a larger hot button issue. Similarly, Isabel Wilkerson’s point re: racism was that maybe we are so quick to label things as racist that we are missing a deeper root cause of issues. (I highly recommend checking out “Origin”.)

I’ve seen some on the Left quick to throw out “MAGA” or “racist” when anyone attempts to discuss immigration, but that strikes me as unfair and unhelpful. As we learned with the recent truckers convoy to the border, a lot of people are simply uninformed about what is happening. Reports were that members of the trucker convoy expected to see a flood of people crossing the border and long lines of people trying to get in and what they got was just empty plains of Texas.

I asked this question back when Trump was drumming up support for his border wall but why have we never gotten a detailed map of the border and a breakdown of the crossings? For such a major issue, it’s depressing to me that there’s so little actual information that’s been presented to the public. (Maybe it has and I missed it but I have never been able to find this.) I feel like we need a return of Dragnet’s Joe Friday; whenever politicians start grandstanding and throwing out catchphrases or scare tactics, we need to come back with a, “Just the facts.”

But there’s also a reflective element to this step. I have to question myself whenever I start to chime in on a subject. Do I really know what I’m talking about? Am I adding to the conversation or just repeating a fairly general talking point? Sometimes the noise that’s leading to our frustrations is our own voice!

It’s easy to give up on conversations on hot topics (especially on the internet) but I do still believe that there are some positive interactions out there and moments of enlightenment but it’s very easy to get caught up in chatter that is nothing but empty calories that fuel annoyance. Conversations that have zero upside besides killing time, which isn’t even an upside since I should use my waking hours on something productive instead of killing time.

Anyway, my advice is that whenever someone uses a political hot button phrase, it’s a sign to try to refocus the conversation back onto the actual incident or idea that is being discussed. If the person keeps retreating back to the catchphrase, then cut bait. Don’t bother getting into it any deeper. Don’t try to get the last word. Just save your sanity and move on.

Recxpectations: Mr. and Mrs. Smith

When I first heard that Amazon was making a TV version of Mr. and Mrs. Smith with Donald Glover and Phoebe Waller-Bridge, I was fired up. Two great voices coming together to remake one of my favorite action films. (And if you haven’t had a chance, check out the dueling commentaries on the DVD - one by the producers who struggled to rein in Doug Liman, and one with Liman and screenwriter Simon Kinberg, who kind of revel in what they got away with.)

When Phoebe dropped out of the show due to creative differences, I wasn’t too phased. Her and Donald were kind of an odd couple and I had faith that Glover and Maya Erskine would work better.

When the show finally dropped, I ignored my usual advice - I went in with sky-high expectations and, well, sadly, the show just isn’t for me. I seem to be in the minority on this one (it has a 77 on Metacritic and the general vibe I’ve gotten on Threads is people really enjoying it) but I’ll still try to give my objective Recommended Expectations.

Synopsis: “John and Jane Smith become secret agents for a mysterious organization. Their work puts both their skills as spies and their relationship to the test. The two have to deal with a world full of dangers.” (from Google)

DON’T EXPECT: Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Premise-wise, I could argue that Amazon’s “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” is almost closer to “Charlie’s Angels” or “The Scarecrow and Mrs. King” than it is to the movie “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”. The show is about a couple of strangers, forced to work together for an unknown boss and pose as a couple, coming together to carry out their various risky assignments. The entire hook of the original film - the fact that John and Jane didn’t know that their partner was an assassin - is gone.
I understand the draw of naming the show after a popular IP but I also think it puts unfair expectations on the new show since it isn’t even trying to be the same premise.
So from the jump, viewers should realize that this is a remake in name only.

EXPECT: a relationship drama
The core of this version of Mr. & Mrs. Smith is the evolving relationship between John and Jane. The missions are episodic and mostly throwaway storylines; what will hook the audience is the chemistry between Glover and Erskine.

EXPECT: a selection of episodes
For me, the weirdest part of Mr. and Mrs. Smith is that it feels like a selection of episodes from a larger series. There are time jumps between every episode that make it feel to me like this was a 20-episode show but we only got 8 of them. After I started episode 3, I actually paused and looked back to make sure I hadn’t skipped an episode. To give you an idea of how quickly the show moves, John and Jane meet in episode 1 and the title of episode 5 is “Do you want kids?”

DON’T EXPECT: clever spycraft
As I noted before, the missions in the show are pretty much forgettable and there is almost nothing clever about John and Jane’s methods. It’s what I call “blunt force cinema”; there isn’t much style or inventiveness to the proceedings. For instance, in an expensive-looking car chase, the big plan to get away is to shoot at the bad guys, get some distance, and then take an off-ramp while the bad guys keep driving straight ahead. The first episode features the closest thing to problem solving and even that one is pretty basic and requires some suspension of disbelief.
In fact, for the most part, we don’t know any of the motives behind any of the missions so the stakes are always just “Will the Smiths fail?” (Maybe this changes in the last two episodes but I tapped out after the sixth.)
And when it comes to the undercover element of the show, Jack and Jane’s clandestine abilities rank maybe one notch below James Bond introducing himself as Bond, James Bond to every single person he meets. For the most part, it’s such a non-issue that when John bumps into another John Smith at a busy outdoor market, they almost immediately start talking about how they are both undercover spies.

EXPECT: an indie vibe
The movie “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” was infamously excessive when it came to spending. For example, Doug Liman and the producers went back and forth on the ending so much that they built the set for the final battle in a full-size, fully stocked Target-type store, then they tore the set down completely after deciding to go in a different direction, only to second-guess the change, go back to previous ending, and had to fully rebuild and restock the Target-sized set.
Amazon's “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” clearly wasn’t working with that budget. Again, this is a relationship drama, not an action film, and while there aren’t any full-on bottle episodes, you should expect to spend significant amounts of time in dialogue-heavy, single-location scenes.

DON’T EXPECT: much insight
It’s unfair to compare this show to “Atlanta” but Donald Glover’s involvement is going to make that impossible. But whereas “Atlanta” felt like we were getting an inside look at a world that Glover knew well, “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” offers no such insight. Honestly, it doesn’t even seem like there was much research done into the spy genre. To be fair, it’s not like the original felt like a John le Carré novel but I was expecting a bit more from Donald Glover and Co.

I’m not sure if there will be a season 2 of this but if there is another Mr. & Mrs. Smith made - and again, I know I’m in the minority on this - I’m hoping it’ll be Phoebe Waller-Bridge getting a chance to bring her vision to the screen.

Recxpectations: Argylle

My explanation for Recommended Expectations aka Recxpectations is here and I’m going to do my best to be objective about “Argylle”.

SYNOPSIS: “Reclusive author Elly Conway writes best-selling espionage novels about a secret agent named Argylle who's on a mission to unravel a global spy syndicate. However, when the plots of her books start to mirror the covert actions of a real-life spy organization, the line between fiction and reality begin to blur.”

EXPECT: an intentionally stupid movie
This is a big, dumb, goofy movie. In fact, I wouldn’t be stunned if the original script was attempting to be a parody of action films. The film toys with being meta and campy at times but for the most part, it’s an over-the-top, cartoonish, "dumb fun” action-comedy.

EXPECT: a Kingsman-esque film
If you didn’t like director Matthew Vaughn’s “Kingsman” movies, you probably won’t like “Argylle”. Liking the “Kingsman” movies isn’t a guarantee that you’ll like “Argylle” but the odds are better that it’s in your wheelhouse. This is admittedly reductive but “Argylle” feels like a more feminine take on the Bro-y Kingsman franchise.

DON’T EXPECT: quality special effects
A lot of people seem to have strong feelings about special effects nowadays so it’s very important to lower one’s expectations and accept that you’re walking into a film with lousy CGI. In some cases, it is probably intentional, to help play up the campiness of certain moments but, yeah, just go into the movie expecting cartoonish special effects.

EXPECT: a film that is 2 hours and 19 minutes
And that’s just the movie. That doesn’t include ads and trailers. For the most part, the film motors along at a pretty good pace but there’s one slog of expository dialogue in the middle and, when it comes to the final act, this is one of those flicks that will. not. end.
As I left the theater, my feeling was that the film would have been better as a limited series or maybe broken up into a couple of films. This movie is supposed to launch a franchise and it feels like they threw all of their ideas into this one and didn’t leave much room for future films.

EXPECT: probably enough moments
Film critics seem to ignore a large segment of the moviegoing public. The overlooked segment is the people who, when you ask them how they could like a bad movie and point out the problems with the movie, shrug and say, “Yeah, but what about…” and then list off five or six scenes they thought were cool or funny. For many filmgoers, there is little-to-no demand for a full, cohesive film experience. Give them a handful of fun/cool scenes and they’ll walk away happy.
Now I am not one of these filmgoers (save for “Fast 5” through Furious 7) so I’m not sure if “Argylle” definitely has enough fun to go around but the women sitting next to me seemed to eat it up and even after the section in Act 2 that is an absolute slog of expository dialogue, they were quick to hop back on the bandwagon when the next fun moment rolled around.

EXPECT: a bewildering score
I’m sure there’s a logic behind that score and it isn’t as haphazard as it felt to me but this is a film that starts with pop music in big scenes and then midway through kicks into a generic, overbearing orchestral score. Part of me thought that maybe it was part of the joke but the score was just so generic and slapped on that it felt like it was a temp score and they ran out of money to replace it so they just left it in.

DON’T EXPECT: a movie that should have cost $200 million
Even people who like this movie probably would agree that $200 million was way too much to invest in this. This would have been a long shot to make its money back pre-COVID when more people were going to movie theaters. Apple+ was basically betting that Vaughn would be able to earn more than all three Kingsman movies combined (they grossed about $260 million domestically) or they were hoping to rely on overseas audiences to carry this to profitability.
I also think that a studio is setting itself up for failure if it spends that kind of money on an original film that’s supposed to launch a franchise. You have to expect that your first film is going to find a large chunk of its audience post-theatrical run. Austin Powers is a great example; the original film - which everyone and their mother was quoting back in the day - only made $53 million in the US. But since the first film cost just $16 million to make, it was a hit and the sequels went on to make over $200 million each domestically.

Speaking subjectively, I wouldn’t recommend this movie unless people really loved the trailer or were big fans of Vaughn’s “Kingman” movies. For the general moviegoing public, I’d recommend checking out Vaughn’s “Layer Cake” instead. “Layer Cake” supposedly helped Daniel Craig get the role of James Bond. It’s also kind of funny that the film is very cool and stylish but features a blowhard, trigger-happy character The Duke and it feels like Vaughn’s career has gone that way instead of trying to conjure up more sleek, grounded fare.

Recxpectations: How to Have Sex

For film reviews, I think there needs to be two distinct camps.
REVIEWS - which help people decide whether they should go see a movie and
CRITICISM - a breakdown of how someone received the film and their take on whether the film succeed or not. Criticism is probably going to need to include spoilers to truly and fully discuss how the person interacted with the film.
What we have now in mainstream film “reviews” is a weird middle ground - a kind of watered-down form of criticism, that often follows the same basic format - a paragraph or two lede that gives the hot take on the film, then a few paragraphs describing what happens in the film (all while trying not to give too much away), and then a few more paragraphs delving deeper into the reviewer’s feelings on the film.
For me, it just feels like half-baked film criticism that doesn’t really serve the audience since it’s so based on the subjective.
What I try to do is give Recommended Expectations aka Recxpectations. I sit back, look at the film as objectively as I can, and give my take on what the best mindset is for an audience member to have as they walk into the theater. Through this approach, I feel like people can figure out whether or not they want to check out the movie at all.

That being said, let’s get to the recommended expectations for “How to Have Sex”.

SYNOPSIS: “Three British teenage girls go on a rites-of-passage holiday - drinking, clubbing, and hooking up, in what should be the best summer of their lives.”

EXPECT: a slice-of-life film
”How to Have Sex” drops you into the action - three friends have come to Malia (which seems like a low-rent version of Ibiza) to party. This film does not have a plot, there’s not a ton of story or character development. Some reviews complain about the lack of insight into the characters but I liked that it didn’t stop down for the usual (and often stilted) Getting-to-Know-You conversations to spell out who everyone is. The screenplay drops little facts here and there so you can get a feel of who the characters are in a way that feels natural and real.
In general, this film is more observational than narrative. This isn’t someone telling you a story as much as you’re simply witnessing a moment in time unfold.

On this same note:
DON’T EXPECT: the film to teach lessons or take sides
New York Times critic Manohla Dargis wrote that the film “seems weirdly insensitive toward Tara” but that, to me, was part of the reality of the situation. The world is rarely a sensitive place and you don’t always get the time to stop down and absorb what’s happened to you or your friends.
I usually hate lack of communication in films but here, the silence isn’t there to work as a plot device, it’s there because that’s what often happens in these moments. Bad things happen; reckonings or even recognition that they happened isn’t always in the cards.

EXPECT: one character focus
“How to Have Sex” focuses almost completely on Mia McKenna-Bruce’s Tara character. We have small glimpses into the other characters’ lives - and all of the performances work perfectly IMO given the naturalistic feel of the film - but everything revolves around Tara.
In short, Tara arrives at Malia a virgin, and her friends seem to think this is the week she will finally have sex. Again, there are barely any conversations about it; it’s more about watching Tara navigate the hyper-sexual environment.

DON’T EXPECT: to immediately love Tara
I got very nervous at the start of the film because the three friends are kind of screechy, over-the-top girls whom a lot of people would probably hope to avoid while on holiday. I’m not sure if Tara’s raspy voice is the definition of vocal fry but it’s close enough to remind you of some people you might be annoyed by. '

DON’T EXPECT: much fun
This film is kind of the anti-MTV Spring Break (and oof, I’m just realizing what a dated that reference is.) But on MTV, they’d show all of the fun and good times of Spring Break. Even when “Hot to Have Sex” is partying, it doesn’t spend a lot of time on the fun. We see people drinking but quickly flash forward to the vomit or passing out or headaches in the morning. Writer/Director Molly Manning Walker seems to know that we’ve all seen hard partying before and we can recognize that we’re in a kind of hedonistic environment so we don’t need to spend too much time on that. Also, the POV is Tara’s so there’s often a level of questioning or discomfort with her surroundings that the film makes palpable.

EXPECT: to be uncomfortable
Any kids hoping to go on Spring Break or on a summer trip to a party resort town should pray their parents don’t watch this film because I can’t imagine any mom or dad would feel comfortable sending their kid away after seeing this. Not only is the debauchery of Malia worrisome for parents but it also shows how you can’t always trust the people you’re around; even your closest mates might not have your best interests in mind.
”How to Have Sex” falls squarely in the genre of film that you appreciate more than enjoy. You leave the theater impressed by the craft on screen and affected by it but you aren’t feeling all that happy about it. This is an end-of-the-night movie, not something you watch to kick off the evening.

My final take is that “How to Have Sex” is a well-made movie that should help launch some careers but if you’re looking for an escape or story/character pieces, you’ll probably want to hold off on this one.

TRADE DEADLINE MADNESS!

NBA blogging is back! Well, for one post. It’s nearing the NBA Trade Deadline and who doesn’t love fake trades, I mean besides everyone. Fake trades are like farts; nobody thinks theirs stink as bad as other people’s, which they think REALLY stink. But the one thing to always remember about fake trades is that often, if not most of the time when REAL trades happen, everyone is stunned and thinks one team got fleeced. As much as we should try to keep fake trades fair, there’s really no underestimating the crappiness of NBA general managers.

So let’s break down some deals that I think should happen to shake up the NBA.

If I’m Atlanta, I’m only including Dejounte Murray in blockbuster deals that bring me back a legit second star to go alongside Trae Young. Yes, the Hawks need to cut some salaries if they want to re-sign Saddiq Bey and extend Jalen Johnson but dumping their second-best player? That’s a terrible move. DeAndre Hunter and Bogdan Bogdanovic on the other hand…
Neither of these guys has a bad contract by modern NBA standards but Bey’s taken over Hunter’s minutes and Bogdan is 31 and this Hawks franchise is mired in NBA purgatory right now - not good enough to contend or even host a playoff series but not bad enough to get a top pick in the draft.
Enter Tobias Harris - a good player who can help the Hawks maintain some hope of making the play-in game this year but is on an expiring contract so he’ll help clean up the Hawks’ future payroll. Atlanta might want another first-round pick, which could be a deal breaker. Or maybe replace Bogdanovic with Clint Capela and look to move him to a third team. My proposal might not get it done but I think there’s a deal to be made between these two.

With Tobias gone, the Sixers fill his void by giving up an unprotected future Clippers pick with two expiring contracts for Jerami Grant. Portland probably won’t do this but Portland is tanking wrong. The team has 14 wins and is somehow only 4 million under the luxury tax. Next year’s ledger has 161 million dollars (meaning adding a top pick could push them over the tax) and the following year is still 140+ million owed. Tanking shouldn’t be this expensive.
The Blazers should be looking to dump as many veteran contracts as possible. Again, maybe they push for another pick but I just don’t think Grant is worth it, especially at his contract. He’s a nice player and you can grin and bear it with his contract if you’re winning games.
Philly phanatics might not love adding questionable contracts when they’re finally getting out from under Tobias’s deal but next year’s free agent class is questionable at best so I’d rather make a push now rather than waste another year of Embiid and risk whiffing in free agency.

I don’t believe that any serious NBA franchise should trade for Zach LaVine’s contract. It’s a killer. Luckily for Chicago, the Charlotte Hornets exist and they are as unserious of an organization as one can be (besides the Oakland A’s, of course.)
This trade swaps arguably the worst contract in the NBA for arguably the worst human in the NBA. Charlotte doesn’t get better IMO but they do get more exciting so hopefully their annoying announcer loses his voice and spares us his histrionics. Chicago gets out from under Zach’s deal and looks to go back to the Baby Bulls 4.0 (or 5.0, there’s been a lot of reboots in Chicago.)

Detroit’s been annoying about not trading Bojan but c’mon, already. Let the guy play on a team that has a shot. Julius Randle’s injury creates a need for New York and the elder Bogdanovic can hold down some small ball PF minutes. He also adds a sniper from the perimeter who can complement the other Knicks (and can play alongside Randle when he gets healthy.) A Dallas first and Detroit getting it’s 2nd rounder should be enough. I might throw in another 2nd round pick if Detroit’s holding out for more but that’s it.

I know, I know. Orlando has a glut of point guards but none of them are as good as Brogdon and I think they need a veteran floor general to help this team make the next step. And all it costs them is a Denver first round pick and Okeke, who showed promise once upon a time but now is a forgotten man.

The Bulls add a new young SG in Moses Moody and clear off a couple more contracts (Chris Paul’s contract isn’t guaranteed next season). They also could look to swing Paul to a third team and maybe pick up a draft pick or prospect in return. I’d also throw in conditional first from Golden State dependent on whether Lonzo ever plays again.
This trade is also a Threads special as the deal opens up more playing time for Andre Drummond in Chicago while it move Cory Joseph out of the Bay Area. CoJo might be the most maligned end of rotation player on the NBAThreads.

It’s not an NBA trade deadline without a John Collins rumor! Collins isn’t really doing much in Utah so they ditch some of his salary and grab some 2nd rounders while Pop sees if he can unlock John’s potential that has completely disappeared over the years.

Washington probably demands a first round pick here and I’d consider giving it up but mostly, I’m excited about Washington changing their name back to the Bullets because Cam Thomas and Jordan Poole ‘bout to be GUNNING! I’m not a believer in Cameron Johnson, which is why I’d give up the first round pick if pushed. Kuzma is simply better and Tyus Jones is no slouch (although he’s been one of the bigger disappointments this year for me. He’s not having the breakout I expected.)
Clearly, I’m starting to get tired and the deals are getting goofier but seriously, #FREECAM.

JANUARY RECAP

January has been a bizarre month. I can’t believe that it’s over but, at the same time, Christmas feels like it was five months ago. I was off work for most of the month so I was able to make some progress towards my goal of 240 New Things in 2024. I knocked out 25 new things, including 8 movies. Unfortunately, Ava Duvernay’s “Origin” was the only one that I’d recommend. On the bright side, I was 1 for 1 when it came to theater, as I’d highly recommend “Kate” at the Pasadena Playhouse - it’s a one woman show that satirizes one woman shows (and actors).

Pine & Crane DTLA was the best restaurant I tried out this month. If you’re ever heading to LA live, it’s about a block or so away and worth the extra walk. Hypnotic Escape Room’s Atlantis makes my list of favorite escape rooms - it wouldn’t be near the top of the list but I think it’s one of the better starter rooms for people who have never done escape rooms before. Great set design, everything flows and makes sense.

I re-re-restarted this blog because I wasn’t feeling the New Things-centric approach. Also, I want to go back to Recxpectations (aka Recommended Expectations) when it comes to movie reviews. And I’d like to also add spoiler-filled reactions; I think it’s silly how often we try to write about films but not spoil them. I get it when it comes to reviews but film discussion has to include spoilers or else, how are you really discussing the film? It’s like trying to talk about a sporting event without giving away who won. What’s the point?

January wasn’t my most productive month - I spent way too much time on Threads - so I want to try to write more and I’ll probably start throwing out ideas that I have that I’ll never actually get to on here. I also plan on posting up more random musings, including how to survive and maintain one’s sanity in 2024.

Here’s to making the most of the shortest month of the year!